A long overdue update...

This update is overdue for me.

Life has changed a lot for me since I started this blog a couple of years ago.

I'm still scared, still uncertain, still don't really believe, still single.

I'm still at the same job, still lying to the same people about essentially the same things.

BUT: I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with myself, and more comfortable with letting Judaism slip into place, rather than fitting it in.

Would I rather let it all slip away? Absolutely. But I don't see that happening.

Every day when I leave work I change into jeans and a t-shirt. And I like myself like that. I feel comfortable like that.

I eat dairy dishes in non-kosher restaurants. I feel like i'm choking when I go home.

Home is a relative term.

I want to tell my friends about the new me, the improved me, the me who is different. Smart, successful, and has it together. Not the me who feels suffocated by religion.

I work harder than most people I know.

I crave attention, affection, love... but never seem to get enough to be satisfied.

I push people away, because I know eventually they'll leave on their own accord, and i'd rather nip that in the bud.

I'm the kind of person that everyone assumes I have a lot of friends, but sometimes my phone doesn't ring for days.

I promised I would be more open with my life, let people in, stop hurting on my own.

I guess i'm hurting more than i'll admit. This isn't rebellion, this is a way of life.

I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't have sex in bathrooms at bars (or anywhere for that matter.)

I just want a do-over in life, and I think i'm young enough to get it.