I'm not really sure why I stopped writing...
But today I recieved a comment on an old entry and it got me thinking. I think this was all hitting a little close to home. I suppose, perhaps, I was/ am worried someone would read this and start connecting the dots.
My own screwed up life, and screwed up thinking are for my benefit only. I wish I could say that there has been no further use for this blog, and that all issues are resolved.
But my dear, the problem is only just begining. Is there a point where a person develops faith, faith which was never there before?
I used to envy the people who believed, now I just pity them.
When I saw this postcard on Postsecret, I nearly cried. Whoever wrote that- could not have summed my life up better. Kudo's to you- an anonymous person- suffering as I am.
I only pretend to believe, because I see how my family treats my cousin who "went off." And it would break my heart to not be able to see my sisters.
"Not all who wander are lost", and not all who are lost wander.
My own screwed up life, and screwed up thinking are for my benefit only. I wish I could say that there has been no further use for this blog, and that all issues are resolved.
But my dear, the problem is only just begining. Is there a point where a person develops faith, faith which was never there before?
I used to envy the people who believed, now I just pity them.
When I saw this postcard on Postsecret, I nearly cried. Whoever wrote that- could not have summed my life up better. Kudo's to you- an anonymous person- suffering as I am.
I only pretend to believe, because I see how my family treats my cousin who "went off." And it would break my heart to not be able to see my sisters."Not all who wander are lost", and not all who are lost wander.
posted by Rachel at
11:10 PM
6 Comments:
I have been in your shoes. I have pretended. I don't anymore. No, I did not go off the derech, I am still on, but I no longer do things just because I was told to. You need to look into these things yourself. Figure out what makes sense and what doesn't. And just because something does not make sense, does not make it wrong. Do more searching to make things make sense. You should not pity those who have faith (nor those who do not), but simply focus on your faith.
By
Unknown, at 12:31 PM
just to let you know, you can ABSOLUTELY develop faith where none existed before!! sometimes, you have to pretend- "fake it 'til you make it"- until you are in a place where you can appreciate the yad Hashem in every moment. this is true, even for thinking folk (even for the blogblond!)- so don't pity the ba'ali teshuvah- instead find out what makes them find their faith...
By
BlogBlond, at 5:28 PM
I am glad you are writing again, i really missed your blog.
Blond,
Pretend to believe in what you think its a big lie? what's the logic?
By
Anonymous, at 10:41 PM
no, yosel- pretend to believe in what you know is right but don't have the faith in to sustain you on its own. it's always better to do something with passion, but there are bumps in the road when you just need to coast once in a while. i'm not saying buy into lies- i'm saying catch your breath and regroup until you can resume your search for truth.
By
BlogBlond, at 8:47 AM
You know, what you wrote really spoke to me.
I believe that parents can take their kids to the spirituality shop, but it's up to the kids to purchase it for themselves. I was lucky because I bought it at age twelve, but I know so many who wait 20 or 30 years or more before they buy it for themselves.
The first mitzvah is to seek emunah- I would say that is the journey you should take now. Read and listen to everything Rabbi Akiva Tatz has ever written and that should pave the way for you.
By
kasamba, at 1:50 PM
Your words are very true - scarily so. Sometimes I wish my blog was anonymous, cuz it would make being honest much easier. Hang in there - and do what you know is best for you, not what others tell you to do.
By
Shoshana, at 7:18 PM
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