Thinking...
Tonight I feel content, cozy, secure.
I was home (with my family) for the weekend. Friday- Monday morning. It was nice to be home, it's nice to whiz in there, be the good guy, and leave. Seems all I ever do is come and go.
Tonight I made dinner and invited some friends over. During the meal my friend decided we should say a D'var Torah, so I grabbed my Chitas (Chumash, T'hillim, Tanya) which was sitting on the top of my fridge, actually probably hasn't been touched since I moved in, and I proceeded to the Hayom Yom of the day.
It's odd how distant I've become. I found the place easily, read the passage, but something was different. A spark was gone. I could not, would not feel inspired.
I get my inspiration in odd ways, from random people. Random movie lines, quotes of the day on Google, comics in the Daily News. It seems as though my mind is searching for what my soul has closed off, or vice versa.
My friend continued her "Dvar Torah" by saying that when one is content with where they are in life, that is the most detrimental. I suppose in many ways, I need not worry, but with religion... Oh boy- do I need to worry.
People love to ask me, "where do you stand, where do you fit in?" I suppose the correct answer is no where. I could say I keep what I like, I would be lying. I could say I keep what is convenient, I would still be lying. I do as much as I can do without feeling like the top button on my shirt is closed. I can't be choked. I won't be choked.
Gimmel Tamuz is in like 3 days. The day the Lubavitcher Rebbe passed on. I suppose some well meaning friends will drag me to the Ohel, as usual. I will go- as usual, in an effort to light a spark I refuse to kindle. I will pray, all the while looking around me, half in awe, and half wondering if everyone is really concentrating, or are they, as I am, waiting for inspiration. After the Ohel, while waiting for my friends, I will sit in the room and watch Rebbe videos. I will feel inspired, and then I will quickly squelch that idea, because that doesn't fit into what I've chosen for myself.
I sabotage myself. I enjoy it, I torment myself, but luckily- it's only me that suffers.
I was home (with my family) for the weekend. Friday- Monday morning. It was nice to be home, it's nice to whiz in there, be the good guy, and leave. Seems all I ever do is come and go.
Tonight I made dinner and invited some friends over. During the meal my friend decided we should say a D'var Torah, so I grabbed my Chitas (Chumash, T'hillim, Tanya) which was sitting on the top of my fridge, actually probably hasn't been touched since I moved in, and I proceeded to the Hayom Yom of the day.
It's odd how distant I've become. I found the place easily, read the passage, but something was different. A spark was gone. I could not, would not feel inspired.
I get my inspiration in odd ways, from random people. Random movie lines, quotes of the day on Google, comics in the Daily News. It seems as though my mind is searching for what my soul has closed off, or vice versa.
My friend continued her "Dvar Torah" by saying that when one is content with where they are in life, that is the most detrimental. I suppose in many ways, I need not worry, but with religion... Oh boy- do I need to worry.
People love to ask me, "where do you stand, where do you fit in?" I suppose the correct answer is no where. I could say I keep what I like, I would be lying. I could say I keep what is convenient, I would still be lying. I do as much as I can do without feeling like the top button on my shirt is closed. I can't be choked. I won't be choked.
Gimmel Tamuz is in like 3 days. The day the Lubavitcher Rebbe passed on. I suppose some well meaning friends will drag me to the Ohel, as usual. I will go- as usual, in an effort to light a spark I refuse to kindle. I will pray, all the while looking around me, half in awe, and half wondering if everyone is really concentrating, or are they, as I am, waiting for inspiration. After the Ohel, while waiting for my friends, I will sit in the room and watch Rebbe videos. I will feel inspired, and then I will quickly squelch that idea, because that doesn't fit into what I've chosen for myself.
I sabotage myself. I enjoy it, I torment myself, but luckily- it's only me that suffers.
posted by Rachel at
8:44 PM
4 Comments:
my hebrew birthday is on gimmel tammuz. (yeah, there was no point in writing that, but whatever)
By
Unknown, at 12:54 PM
That spark you describe is your pilot light, it's only small now but it's still there. Relax because you never know what's going to to cause it to burst into flame.
By
kasamba, at 3:56 AM
Good luck with your toughies.
By
socialworker/frustrated mom, at 7:43 PM
Allerodromper
rdgd
By
Anonymous, at 2:19 AM
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