and this is blog world... + an engagement...

There are so many things I would say here... but even in this little corner where I get to express what I really feel, there lives this inate fear of people finding out who I am. I wonder what makes me care so much.

I'm not going to be home for Pesach. Anything to escape that hell. I am definitely in for an interesting Pesach, but in following with my privacy kick, i'll leave the other details quiet.

I thank god that my friends are not into blogs, so I can talk much more freely here... :)

My BFF (best friend forever) is engaged.

I knew the day would come, and I always knew she'd be before me, but I can't help feeling a tinge of jealousy. It's insane, and there is no reason for it, but in a bizarre way, she was mine ( in an a sexual way,) and now she's his. Forever. Another chapter in my life is closed.

Now here's the worrysome part. I'm worried for her. There are way too many things that point to a not-so-good start, or continuation. I know they guy she is engaged to, and was never impressed with him to start off with. She claims he's changed, and maybe he has.
How many people do you know really change.

My friends and I all worry, but I really have only one thing to say, no one can fuck up anyone's lives so perfectly as the person themselves.

I have 3 divorced friends. I've spent hours on the phones with friends who were being beaten, raped and verbally abused by sick husbands. What I haven't seen, i've heard.

Out of the kettle and into the fire. You know what it's like when you want to protect those you love, and you know the best thing you can do for them is let them be burned, so they know that fire hurts.

Sometimes I just wish I could be a happy go lucky self centered person. I don't take people's problems to heart, I don't lose sleep over them. I lose daylight hours... I lose faith.

So I just sit back, smile, congratulate her, go shopping for a gown for her, and a new dress for me. And pretend that i'm not worried about her. When she calls me up crying, I calm her down, tell her he's just being a guy, and cheer her up.

Because in the end, i'd rather she hate herself, then hate me.
___________________________________________________________________
Secret of the day,
In the end, we're all selfish, and we'll do whatever we can to keep the peace. Including lying to those we love the most.