Purim Day is almost here
It's funny when I think about how much holiday's used to mean, and how little they do now.
My struggles are continuing, and getting worse everyday. I can't say i've given up, that would entail trying. I am not trying, because I don't want to.
To me, religion seems archaic, ancient, outdated. In with the old. Why can't I chose my own religion? I'd chose none at all.
I wish I could believe. I really do. You don't think I want to be like everyone else?
You don't think I want to fit in? I do, but I can't.
My God would want me to be happy.
My God would want me to be happy.
It really because of what God has done to my parents, I don't want to associate their God with myself.
God could have cut them a break, could have made life a little simpler for them. Could have helped a bit.
posted by Rachel at
8:53 PM
12 Comments:
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By
Unknown, at 3:51 PM
I am sorry I left out a few words on my previous comment, because I was chatting in the same time I wrote it.
here is what I meant to say;
The answer to Jane's question is a blank piece of paper. I heard once a joke, why do you have to close eyes when you are praying The silent prayer? what is it that you're not allowed to see?
They don't want you to see that there is nothing.
By
Unknown, at 10:35 AM
Dear FBT,
I haven’t read any of your other posts just yet, but came across this one and felt an urgent need to respond immediately without knowing too much about you. The reason for that is because your thoughts so closely echo mine, although I am at a different stage in life.
But I wanted to tell you that I really feel for you. And I wish I could offer you words of comfort, but in truth there's nothing I could say to make things better for you. I could however state the following:
1. There are more people out there than you know that think and struggle like you. Does it help to know you're not alone?
2. Things get better after a while. They just do.
3. You’ve got more going for yourself than you think. You have an active mind on your shoulders sometimes it seems as a curse, but in the long run it makes you a more dimensional and well-rounded person. And it means you eventually have the ability to be happier than the non-thinking person.
4. Stop blaming God. It’s the easy way out.
That’s all for now. I hope you’re doing better today.
Hang in there!
Sarah
By
Anonymous, at 8:00 PM
Poor you. Single at 22. How dreadful! Come now. Marriage, men, children --- you've put them all up there on a pedestal and are practically standing there looking up with your mouth drooling. Well, guess what, they're not all they're made out to be. I bet, secretly every one of your married friends feel just a tinge of envy for you for not being saddled with all the heavy responsibilities that come along with this idea of marriage. And you're still so young! For God's sake - get a grip and appreciate what you've got going for yourself!
By
Anonymous, at 8:36 PM
Actually anon-
I am not moaning about my lack of marriage. I am moaning about my lack of a male relationship.
Maybe it's not such a big deal for you, (whoever you are), but at a certain age, one tends to crave male comradship. And when all my friends show up at weddings and events with a guy on their arms, and I show up alone, yes I feel bad.
I know i've got a lot going for myself right now, but every now any then I get a little twinge, wondering how long i'll be alone.
I don't really want marriage now, I do want a relationship.
By
Rachel, at 5:21 PM
The type of relationship you seek will inevitably lead to marriage. That is the way it is in our community. So yes, you do want marriage.
If you disagree, then you are being totally unrealistic and fantasizing about a situation that can't ever occur, setting yourself up for disaster.
No wonder you're unhappy.
By
Anonymous, at 6:21 PM
Whoever you are anon- why don't you be a man (or woman) and just post a normal blogger profile instead of hiding under the ever elusive title of anonymous.
I don't say rude things to you, so you mustn't to me.
If you're bitter, you're welcome to comment, but i'd appreciate it if you weren't so accusatory.
By
Rachel, at 10:06 PM
While we're on the subject of "hiding under elusive titles," why don't you begin by introducing yourself, "fbt"?
But please accept my apologies. I didn’t mean to be rude, accusatory or bitter.
I was simply being blunt and forthright with you. People like you, who have such deep yearnings for a meaningful connection, are bound to be disappointed many times over in life. At best, if you do find what you’re looking for, it will be fleeting and temporary. I won’t go into more details because perhaps my negativity is too much for you to handle, as illustrated in your previous comment.
By
Anonymous, at 9:42 PM
Anon, I have introduced myself. Don't you get it? By reading here, you know more about me, my thoughts, fears and doubts, than anyone in the world. This IS me, this is more of me then anyone else i've known has or will see.
And I can handle details, as long as they are posed as statments, not personal attacks.
Maybe I am looking for something that is not there, who knows. But while I am searching for the missing link in my life, I am living a very productive, happy albeit slightly lonely life. I work full time, go to school full time, volunteer on Sundays...
I have a very blessed life in some ways and in others I am waiting for life to improve.
By
Rachel, at 11:25 PM
Anon, I have introduced myself. Don't you get it? By reading here, you know more about me, my thoughts, fears and doubts, than anyone in the world. This IS me, this is more of me then anyone else i've known has or will see.
Likewise, from my few brief remarks on your blog, you are privy to information about me that nobody else is. Why do you think I hesitate to reveal my identity? On the surface, I appear to be one of those people who’s got everything going her way. I’ve got a lovely family, great career, a terrific social circle, we’re well-off, my looks are not shabby... Yet inside I seethe with unhappiness, longing for something that simply cannot exist in this universe as we know it. That is why I may come across bitter to you. From your writings, I see myself in you and yes, it makes me angry. It brings out the worst in me, because I long for the same and know I can never have it. And I must admit that I feel kind of sorry for you and I regretted commenting because why should I spoil it all for you? You are entitled to your dreams and to your own disappointments. I should not take either one of those away from you. So go out there, find what you’re looking for, and prove me wrong! Maybe there’s hope yet for me too.
But while I am searching for the missing link in my life, I am living a very productive, happy albeit slightly lonely life.
My dear girl, that statement will fortunately/unfortunately ring true for as long as you live.
By
Anonymous, at 6:18 AM
I see you are searching. Perhaps, you might care to look at my experience in this matter.
See: http://shmuzings.blogspot.com/2006/02/my-religious-evolution.html
I have a new posting the works that follows this line but I’m not finished with it yet so stay tuned.
If you are really becoming skeptical, you might consider thefrumskepticsgroup@yahoogroups.com but they argue the merits of religion and more often than not respond in the negative. I think there is a lot of value in Judaism, its culture and values so don’t run away yet, keep searching for better answers (as I am).
By
smoo, at 1:10 PM
twenty two is still young. of course you want love...want a relationship... and deserve one... just realize that(which from your other posts it seems you do ) that sometimes it takes awhile to find someone good and u dont want to settle from just any old shmo just to have a relationship ... intimacy etc....
By
Anonymous, at 8:10 PM
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