Complicating my life further...

Monday, January 29, 2007

Once again a random update...

I don't know what it is that makes me come back here and write. I'm not even sure I have an audience anymore. I just know that something is drawing me here, compelling to write. So it's 11:44 PM, and I am typing as though my life depends on it- perhaps it does.

I could make up some interesting things, put a few funny anecdotes here, and make a funny blog.

I am a funny person- if you knew me in real life, you would think I didn't take things seriously enough. If you got to know me well, you might realize that I take things to seriously.

I started my 4th semester of college tonight. I'm 22 and not even 1/2 way done with my BA. My boss got fired, my job is in limbo- and as usual, my nights are haunted.

You want to know why I don't want to get married. You tell me no one will be left. You tell me to lose weight. You tell me people won't see me, they'll see things they don't like. How can I make someone want me- when even I don't want me?

How can I marry when I don't know what I want. How can I marry someone who believes- when I don't know what I believe? How can I marry someone who doesn't believe, when I don't know what I believe.

All I want is to be free, but the more time goes on, the more traped I feel.
The noose is tightening around my neck, and it's starting to hurt.

I wake up at night flushed, sweaty and with a racing heart. Someone is always trying to kill me in my sleep.
I'd give anything to get away. I'd give anything to start anew. No religion, no obligations. But i'd hate it too.

I'm a grass is always greener person. I'll always be looking over my shoulder, looking, Maybe one day i'll find someone who's searching too.
___________________________________________________________________
Secret of the day:
Whenever I go to movies alone, i'm always wondering if i'll meet some guy who is also at the movies alone. I always wonder if there are other lonely guys out there doing the exact same thing as me.

9 Comments:

  • Please keep on writing. It obviously does something for you- to let yourself free and write what is on your mind.
    I come from a similiar background as you so I can relate a lot to the ways you feel.
    Keep in mind that the most important thing in keeping yourself sane- is to take a stand on being the 'type' of person you want to be. Have goals, try to achieve them. Try to appreciate your accomplishments. Save time and money to do 'something' i.e. travel, explore something you've always been curious about.
    You have the right ideas- Just try and keep an upbeat spirit and ignore e/o else.
    Perhaps, you can share more about you and what makes you so upset etc... and your commenters can give you insights, comments and/or stregnth :)
    Also, did you ever try seeing a therapist?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:48 PM  

  • I am visiting your blog everyday, maybe you have something new; it paid off.

    Look at half glass that is full. I haven't even start with my BA, and most probably won't before I am 22.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:14 PM  

  • Thanks you guys.

    And Sara- no I haven't seen a therapist. I keep thinking it might be a good idea- but it's not an option right now.

    By Blogger Rachel, at 7:54 PM  

  • Why is it not an option? Because you are too busy with school & work? or other reasons?
    Seeing a therapist that can help you work on your issues, self esteem and life perspective will not only help you in your present state but for your future life- in all aspects job, friend, and relationships.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:34 PM  

  • This comment is coming from a 63 year old woman - Me. Just came across your blog by chance when I looked to see if there was anything on the Internet about the movie I just saw - Ushpezin. You are wise not to want to get married yet - 22 is much too young, especially for a male, and especially since you are still searching, finding yourself. And let me tell you, if there are no other single men at the movies - it's not because there are no lonely men out there who feel like seeing a movie - It's because most are too chicken to be seen alone in the movies. It's the same reason you'll rarely see a single man on a vacation alone (though men from Europe will, Americans rarely will). You are one of the brave ones.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:03 PM  

  • Blogging has created a medium for lonely single people to get everything off their mind b"h I am not lonely- but part of my reason for blogging is to meet my wife.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:20 AM  

  • Actually anon, i'm female... :)

    By Blogger Rachel, at 8:52 PM  

  • When I was single, I went to movies alone..So depressing, I stopped going alone.

    I really do feel you babe, I lived alone for 6 years, from 16 to 22. It hurt so much.

    BH I met my wife, and she happens to be older than me, by about 3 years and also has been dating for about 6 years so she sympathized with my loneliness and we really love each other even more for finding each other.


    When you do find that special man, you will love him even more than the usual/ typical girl who married at a young age. You will appreciate the small things even more so.

    Good luck, come visit me at my blog, would love your input.

    By Blogger Jacob Da Jew, at 9:39 AM  

  • We are.

    By Blogger Nice Jewish Guy, at 9:37 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home


 
BookRags: Antigone (Sophocles) Summary