It's been a while and things have changed and everthing is the same.

Cancer is still killling. This time it was my grandmother, and the name of the devil was Fast-Moving-Metasticized-Pancreatic-Cancer, short for There-Is-No-Way-Out-Of-This-Death.
Do you find it amusing that there is no way out of death?

I'm not sure why I decided to come back and post a random update here, months after my last post. Maybe i've become inspired by Aseret Y'meei T'shuvah.

Ha! Quite the unlikely thought.

"Nothing's fine, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor"

Of course I feel nothing, and i'm getting worse at pretending. Things I don't even realize are a problem start to slip out. Am I yearning for the life I don't have because I don't have it, or is there something deeper?

Religion is not for everyone. My Rosh Hashanah was spent in the kitchen cooking. My mom spent hers in shul.

There must be a God, because someone has to be orchestrating this mess. I couldn't do it all on my own.

But at least i've reached the age where i've come to realize that lack of religion does not make me a bad person, I don't lie, cheat, steal, do bad things, I am a good person, who simply doesn't want her whole life governed by ruled she (meaning myself) hasn't chosen. I want to make mistake, I want to stumble, I want to fall, I want to be drunk in bars at 4 AM. I want to feel somthing other than this awful ache that's been building up inside me for the past few years.

If it hasn't gone away by now, if I haven't seen the light, ain't gonna happen.

Secret of the night: I don't want to be inspired, I don't want to be fixed. I want to move somewhere far, far away and blend in and remve myself from my past, and when people ask about my family and friends brush it away with a wry smile and a wave of my hand, as though the whole story is too complicated to go into. It is. The story, will be complicated.