Christmas Musings...
Do you ever feel like your life is going in the exact plan you've so carefully orchestrated, and things still seems so... unordinary?
I've got it all, aside from the noticeable money and significant other.
But neither of those bother me. For a 23 year old, I have a decent life. Sure I have to slave away, and work hard for everything I have, but I should be happy, grateful, thrilled.
A part of me, (the naive part) feels if I don't express gratitude then god will take it all away. A la Foreskin's Lament and all
I never know why I write here, and people rarely read, but I feel a sense of comfort nonetheless.
The fact is, i've just become better at pretending. Thanks for the Chanukah present- now i'll be sure to pray every day. Left it on the train.
Jeans hidden in my closet.
Lights turned on and off...
It's not that I don't believe, it's just that I think god is off monitoring the murderers and thieves, he's not concentrating on me, he never has and never will.
Maybe if he showed a little compassion for my family i'd feel a little more inclined to please HIM.
As of now, i'd rather believe in Santa, he brings better presents.
_____________________________________________________________________
Secret of the night- I lie and pretend because I tell myself they'd never handle the truth. Truth is, i'm 23 and I don't think i'll handle the truth.
Would you give up everything to live the way you want?
Good job- check
Get into a good college- check
Keep things calm on the family front- check
Nice clothing- check
Decent apartment- check
Good friends- check
Healthy- check
I've got it all, aside from the noticeable money and significant other.
But neither of those bother me. For a 23 year old, I have a decent life. Sure I have to slave away, and work hard for everything I have, but I should be happy, grateful, thrilled.
A part of me, (the naive part) feels if I don't express gratitude then god will take it all away. A la Foreskin's Lament and all
I never know why I write here, and people rarely read, but I feel a sense of comfort nonetheless.
The fact is, i've just become better at pretending. Thanks for the Chanukah present- now i'll be sure to pray every day. Left it on the train.
Jeans hidden in my closet.
Lights turned on and off...
It's not that I don't believe, it's just that I think god is off monitoring the murderers and thieves, he's not concentrating on me, he never has and never will.
Maybe if he showed a little compassion for my family i'd feel a little more inclined to please HIM.
As of now, i'd rather believe in Santa, he brings better presents.
_____________________________________________________________________
Secret of the night- I lie and pretend because I tell myself they'd never handle the truth. Truth is, i'm 23 and I don't think i'll handle the truth.
Would you give up everything to live the way you want?
posted by Rachel at
8:42 PM
5 Comments:
What 'is' the truth?
By
Chasidic Bochur, at 9:24 PM
The truth is that I want to move somewhere far, far away and start anew. away from god and away from religion and the noose tightning around my neck.
By
Rachel, at 8:24 PM
God is something either you cannot run away from, or you don't have to.
Do you want to live in a specific place, or you just want to run from where you are now?
By
Chasidic Bochur, at 6:47 PM
No specific place, just far away from where I am now. Where no one knows me.
By
Rachel, at 9:11 PM
You're 23. Why are you still hiding your jeans (and all the other "non-orthodox" things that come with it)?
By
Jessica, at 2:07 PM
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