But a life that's a lie is no life at all.
I'm drowning.It made me doubt everything. As if anything I believed in needed doubting. I would say I no longer believe in God, but then even I'd know that I'm lying. Suffice it to say all I wanted to do was hop on the nearest train and go back to my apartment. I'm talking about on Yom To, not Chol Hamoed.
I turn into a person I do not know, around my family. I am short tempered and rude and...everything. It is as if all the animosity I felt growing up, envelops me. I am still me, the one who picks up the pieces.
After 21 years I want someone to look out for me, to cook me dinner and ask me how I feel. I just want someone to really care about me. Is that too much to ask?
This girl in my class ( at college) told me she can't wait to go home, cause everytime she goes home her mom takes care of her and cooks her favorite meals and does her laundry, she said it's better than a hotel.
You know what happens when I go home? My dad asks me to get the kids to clean up, while my mom is at the Shul doing God knows what. So I come home and cook and clean and do the kids laundry. Do the dishes, clean the kitchen.
I don't even know what I want.
I don't know.
Thing is, I really had almost convinced myself that I was over the whole rebellion stage. But it's not really rebellion anymore, is is? Nope, not a teenager and can't be excused as such. It is just plain not believing. I am not trying to rebel against anyone. I just want my life to be led as I wish.
More than anything, I wish I could be like my friends, I would use the word simple, but it is much more complex than that. They believe, no matter what. I cannot believe- no matter what.
I am so envious of the way they pray, I know I will never have that. This is not a recent development, since I was young I knew I did not believe, I went about/go about the motions as I know I should, because I always do what I should do.
I do not pray. Have not in so long. I bentch when people remind me to, so as not to draw any attention to myself. I keep complete Kosher, keep Cholov Yisrael in fact, because somewhere deep inside, I know I have a soul. I know I need to keep one thing, I am always terrified, that should I lose my last fragile hold on Yiddishkeit, all is gone. My friends all tease me and they have a joke- the day we see ****** (me) eating Cholov Stam we know something is wrong. They have no idea how close they are to the truth.
Because the truth is, this Pesach taught me that i'm hanging onto a thread, dangling over a cliff, and the thread is fraying more every day.
And I'm scared. I don't know any other life than the one I have.
But a life that's a lie is no life at all.
posted by Rachel at
8:08 PM
13 Comments:
Your predicament is truly touching. Reading about your emotions and thoughts, pulls me in many different directions.
Firstly, I am awed by your honesty and integrity. It seems to me that you are in pursuit of truth and that you will not settle for less.
I am also slightly humoured at your account of what your experience is at home... My theory is that whenever I go home, no matter what age I am at, I automatically regress to the maturity level of a 13 year old. ;).
I also empathize with your struggle. Faith is not something that comes naturally to most people, but on the other hand it is just as hard to stop believing. Through out the years I was always pulled two different ways- on the one hand I loved and lived Torah and Chassidus and could not live with out it. On the other hand, there are never answers to all the questions. There are holes in every arguement and a question for every answer. No matter what my parents or teachers told me, I knew that noone would be able to convince me that Hashem, the Rebbe or Torah was conclusive. It took me years till I sat down one day and made a conscious decision that though I would never fully understand and never be unquestionably sure, I would take a leap of faith. Its the only way.
Not to sound preachy or anything, but the more chassidus you learn, the more you know it MUST be true. Like it says in tanya- a little bit of light dispells a lot of darkness.
By
Esther, at 10:15 AM
whoa... this is almost exactly how i felt last year. not sure what happened really, but i am a believer... don't know if that gives you some hope that maybe you can believe one day (i don't even know if you want to believe one day -- while i was going through it, i know i didn't), but just know there's a true believer out there who can sympathize with you.
By
Unknown, at 12:39 PM
pardon me, i meant empathize
By
Unknown, at 12:39 PM
Wanderings smart. Learning (chassidus) is the way to make sure the rope doesnt tear, or that you dont cut whatevers left. Your not afraid of no having G-d in your life, your afraid of the unknown, of not fitting in.
By
Anonymous, at 5:19 PM
The thing about Chassidus is, I get to drawn to it. I know a lot of Tanya, actually love learning it. But then everytime I do study it, a) I end up with more problems and questions, or b) I end up feeling so inspired that I just want to chnage, and then I realize I don't want to change. I don't know what I want.
By
Rachel, at 9:05 PM
Anonymous,
You're right and you're wrong. I truly am worried about having no God in my life. I want a life with no strings attached, yet I can not let go of the strings.
I am not worried about not fitting in. How well do you think I fit in now with the way I think? You think it doesn't manifest itself in my speech, in my dress, in everything I do.
By
Rachel, at 9:09 PM
Its like the atheist who proclaims "THANK GOD im an atheist" I seem to feel and behave so similar to what you described, though maybe I learned to hide it better, because as humans we all just want to fit in.
By
Anonymous, at 12:01 AM
Consider yourself lucky to have a home and a family. Although they do not always recognize you in ways that make you feel good, realize that they love you, and for that alone you should be thankful. Part of living in a home, particularly a Jewish home, is responsibilities and chores. There are often too many people, making for too many responsibilities, and everyone has to chip in.
I don't have a family that I come home to. Sure I visit my parents. I drop into my mom or dad for a week at a time. I don't live there and I always feel like I'm homeless and wandering. I yearn to have a home. When I hit a certain age my mom stopped making me bagged lunches, she'd come home late and we'd have to make our own dinner, she never made my bed or did my laundry. I never enjoyed it then, but I wish I could have just that one more time. I don't even have a bed in the world that I can call my own.
I'm constantly visiting communities and families, seeing family life and appreciating it. I see families with problems, bad parents, bad kids, the works. It's humbled me and taught me that I'm human and that there can always be issues, even in ideal situations. I've also seen the beauty of a Jewish home and the beauty of Shalom. Shalom is not something that exists, rather it must be sought and some times fought for. It takes its toll on every individual, but that is true Shalom. It takes struggle to be a good family. I don't have that. I yearn for that. You have it and you don't appreciate it.
Also, I'm constantly eating Shabbos meals at other peoples houses. I'm always made to feel like a guest and they always tell me to feel at home. It's important to be honored, but I can't ever feel at home because I don't have responsibilites. It bothers me that I don't have a mother telling me to clear the plates or a father yelling at me to bring the salt. Household responsibilities are part of life and they strengthen one's commitment to their family. It helps for now and it will help for later. Sometimes I imagine myself being a shmuck of a husband or father, because I'm going to be so used to everything being provided me.
It's hard to appreciate the blessings that you have because they seem like an endless challenge. But you know that the most fulfillment one gets in their lifetime is when they face up to challenges.
When I visit my mother she always puts me in the guest room or in a little storage room on the side of the house {think Harry Potter}. She makes my bed and she attempts to cook for me. She never gets angry or asks me to clean up. The chores that I do for her are minimal. I feel like a guest and it makes me uncomfortable. All I want is a place to feel good and at home, where I can help out and have some responsibilities.
My point is that you don't know how good it is to be in your family and your home till you don't have it anymore. Cherish it. Chores are never fun, but it's fulfilling and its life. Feel good.
More to come on the rest of your thoughts.
By
Nemo, at 6:50 AM
Nemo nemo nemo... your wisdom is far beyond ur years, not that I know your age, but its just a hunch.
By
Anonymous, at 2:44 PM
First off, Nemo's age is listed in his blog ;)
Secondly, I agree with anon, most people, and guys in general do not talk with the same level of self awareness as Nemo does.
Thirdly, I agree with a lot of what you said Nemo. But I think you're brushing off a lot of what I said. Growing up in a Frum household defenitly has pros and cons. I was not complaining about the fact that I am the one who has to work the hardest. I have quite a few sibling, and yet I end up doing almost everything alone. My parents raised my brothers to believe that boy/ men, need not lift a finger. My parents are at this point too tired out to fight with the kids and just let them do what they want(to an extent of course.)
I do sympathize with you Nemo, for not having anywhere to go that seems real to you. I feel the same way. True I have an apartment, and true I have my family, but neither of the places are home. My family moved to another state while I was in Seminary and I don't know anyone there. I come home and the only thing I do all Shabbas is take my little sister and all her friends to the park. While I might add, all my sisters sit for hours with their friends.
I know it sounds like jealousy- but it's not. It's some other emotion that I can't label.
I agree with you about seeing other people's families and wanting that.
I think what it is, is as we hit our 20's we see other people and see the lives and families that they're building for themselves and we want it too.
At least I want it. I want my own life.
By
Rachel, at 4:54 PM
People erect fences in their own psyches. Some people move the fences and some don't .
By
Anonymous, at 7:20 AM
dovie, can you explain what you mean a little better?
By
Rachel, at 6:30 PM
You need empathy and I give it to you. For whatever it is worth, being intellectually honest is something that will get you far in life. Don't doubt your doubts, their real. What is not real is the way your culture labels you.
But don't worry about the masses, they are always in the wrong.
By
AC, at 6:18 PM
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