In daylight, in sunset in midnight in cups of coffee...
I walk down Kingston Avenue, all the stores are open late, people are scurrying about trying to get their last minute Pesach shopping in.
Its rather odd how these are my people, and I feel so much for them, and not at all.
I guess at 21 I should have figured some things out. I think I did. I figured out what I don't want to be like. I realize what I don't want to do. I just haven't realized what I do want to do, who I do want to be.
I hate watching Rebbe videos.
Plain and simple. I hate them.
Not because they can be boring, or because they are oftimes in other languages, but I hate them because they make me feel miserable.
I've always wondered what would have happened if the Rebbe were alive. Would I have gone to see him, to ask him for help, to give me Emunah? Or would I have been even further disgusted in the corruption of Lubavitch and distanced myself farther? I always feel that we have missed something great. We missed the building of a great thing and are left with the remnants. The building is basically finished and we, we are left to cement in some cracks. Fill the potholes and adjust the pipes.
We are the maintenance workers of Chabad, not the builders.
Eltere Chassidim are always telling us how bad they feel for us because we don't have the Rebbe, and all we have is his legacy. I always had a problem with that phrase. I don't know why.
The other reason I hate watching the videos is the way I feel after. I'm not dumb, and I don't bother rationalizing to myself. I am not interested in being perfect. I like the way my life is, and I prefer to not be too religious. But watching those videos, watching the Rebbe stare into my eyes, hearing his words. I feel like he is talking to me, looking right through my facade.
Sometimes I feel myself drawn in, I can't look away, I stand there mesmerized, unmoving. I feel in my soul something I don't want to feel. Something i've been pushing away for years.
In that moment I realize, you can cover your soul up with whatever you want. But you can never hide it, nor change it.
posted by Rachel at
9:17 PM
6 Comments:
You know, you're an amazing person. From what I've gleaned from your writing, you don't come from a Chabad family and yet you are soul bound with Lubavitch. What amazes me more, is that what goes on in Lubavitch bothers you, not as a outside critic, but rather as a hurt insider.
It's challenging, but you have look past what you see as corruption. I'm not saying to deny it, I'm telling you to be aloof from it. To ignore it because that is not the end. There is more to Lubavitch than it's functioning, there is its fundamentals. You have to focus on that, not on corruption.
As far as the videos, I will agree that I have the same feelings. I'm sort of unmoved by watching the videos. It doesn't bring me recollection and yearning. I'd much rather sit with a Sicha or Maamer than sit and watch the Rebbe say it. But, I do understand its importance. It actualizes the Sichas. I mean to say that sometimes when we learn something, the thought remains intangible, because to us it is a concept on paper. However, when we can visualize that the Sichas and everything of the Rebbe were directives for us, that the Rebbe was real and he spoke to us, it brings the realities into fruition.
By
Nemo, at 4:08 AM
Nemo- i couldnt have areed with you more.
Also: I too hate when people talk about the great times we missed when the Rebbe was here in a revealed way. I actually strongly disagree with that approach, as well with your feelings that the construciton of the 'building' is completed and we are just doing the dirty work. We are not unfortunate or pitiful for having being born in these times- on the contrary, however sad we are that we missed seeing the Rebbe at farbrengens and getting yechidus and dollars from the Rebbe, its important to realize that we are not just the leftovers leaching on to relics of the past. WE are the generation that is bringing mashiach. The strongest connection you can have to the Rebbe is one that is above intellect and above all logic. BECAUSE we don't see the rebbe, our connection is deeper. BECAUSE we never met the Rebbe, we can feel him in a way that noone else can.
If you ever have a chance, learn the maamer hishtatchus by the mittler rebbe. it is extremely powerful and eye opening. Concealment is only a means to push us harder. We descend downwards, only in order to ultimately rise even higher.
By
Esther, at 5:34 PM
Thanks :)
By
Rachel, at 10:13 PM
Brilliant post.
By
Anonymous, at 11:59 AM
Thanks anon.
By
Rachel, at 6:31 PM
Watching rebbes videos are worthless, unless your in the mood of some nostalgia. They are not progressive they are regressive. The rebbe instilled such hopes into his followers, when he died, consciously or unconsciously, he let them down.
By
AC, at 6:28 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home